I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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