I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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