I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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