matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
