Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
