I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
