If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
