Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
