yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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