I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize