why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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