I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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