Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
