Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
