It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
