woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
