its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize