she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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