Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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