bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
