I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
