Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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