screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
