Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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