Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
