Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
