Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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