did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
