Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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