oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
