Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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