Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
