My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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