she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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