seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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