dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
