then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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