Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
