maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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