I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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