I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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