i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
That reminds me...we need to get swords
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
