got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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