well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The Olympian is in my bed
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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