Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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