Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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