Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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