Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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