Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
