I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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