..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
