I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
