first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
