The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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