I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
