I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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