rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
