Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I would fuck him just for his dog
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
