The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
