K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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