She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
